trixie's story
BASIC INFO: i'm 20years old, going on 21. i'm an art major, finishing my 3rd year in
school. drugs do not have an influence on my SI behaviour, as i usually do not do them. i do not
have a T currently but hope to find one in the next few weeks (so no meds yet) and yes i do think i
have BPD or bipolar and i do dissociate quite a bit, think i might even be DID. but we'll see, eh?
the earliest i can remember SI'ing is about age 11 or 12, when i was in 8th grade or so. it started
out as a suicide attempt, slitting my wrists, and then i found that cutting my wrist was enuff to
subside the pain for a bit. before that i found this jackknife and brought it to school and i think during
class i would get bored and start making designs on paper and then little knicks in my skin.
the first time i REALLY dug into myself, i
made lots of slashes on my left arm, don't even really remember it, didn't really feel that pain i guess,
and afterwards i was so horrified by what i'd done. i guess that was in probably 9th grade. um, i don't
remember what the cause was why i ever started, either with the wrist or the arm cutting.
sometimes i do it every day, sometimes i do it about once
every week or 2. a few years ago i had a handle on it and went without it for months. currently i'm not
cutting my arm but still cutting my side, my stomach...
i've also cut my other arm, the back of my hand, my inside palm and inside fingers, my thigh, both
inner ankles and 1 outer ankle. i also use starvation as another method of SI when i can't cut for
various reasons or when i'm not feeling particularly manic. I have slashes deep and shallow, i have a
number, i have the words FOREVER, PAIN, and SILENCE, and i have the feminist sign 3 times, one
of which has faded profusely.
probably the memory that stands out in my mind most happened a few months ago. i just went
berserk and put over 100 slashes on my body, the places i described above. half the time i'm not
even really all there when i'm cutting. sometimes i do it to feel the pain. sometimes i do it and don't
feel the pain. sometimes i do it because i deserve it, or sometimes i need to be reminded that i'm alive,
to see the blood that sustains life. or i do it so i can STAY alive. recently i've done it almost as an
addiction, sometimes not even particularly upset or triggered by anything. just do it. but it's always
been because i can't handle the emotional pain, i can't control it. but i can control the physical pain, it
is something i can take and distort and make it not feel at all.